chrystie69

PEOPLE I CAN DO WITHOUT

A strange on the train who wants to tell me about his bowel movements.

A seventy-year old man wearing gag underpants that say "We visited the Grassy Knoll."

Any man with a birthmark shaped like a hypodermic needle.

Any woman who repeatedly gives me a high five during sex.

Americans are fucked.  They've been bought off.  And they came real cheap: a few million dirt bikes, camcorders, microwaves, cordless phones, digital watches, answering machines, jet skis, and sneakers with lights in them.  You say you want a few items back from the Bill of Rights?  Just promise the doofuses new gizmos.

It's a perverse fact that in death you grow more popular. As soon as you're out of everyone's way, your approval curve moves sharply upward. Y ou get more flowers when you die than you got your whole life. All your flowers arrive at once. Too late.

IF I WERE IN CHARGE OF THE NETWORKS

The phrase sour grapes doe snot refer to jealousy or envy. Nor is it related to being a sore loser. It deals with rationalization of failure to attain a desired end. In the original fable by Aesop, "The Fox and the Grapes," whent he fox realizes he cannot leap high enough to reach the grapes, he rationalizes that even if he had gotten them, they would probably have been sour anyway. Rationalization. That's all sour grapes means. It doesn't deal with jealousy or sore losing. Yeah, I know, you say, "Well, many people are using it that way, so the meaning is changing." And I say, "Well many people are really fuckin' stupid too shall we just adapt all their standards?"

IF I WERE IN CHARGE OF THE NETWORKS

I'm tired of television announcers, hosts, newscasters, and commentators, nibbling away at the English language, making obvious and ignorant mistakes.

Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be coincidence. Irony is "a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result." For instance: Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed aftera brutal hit by Jack Tatum. Now Darryl Stingley's son plays football, and if the son should be come paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. It will be coincidental. If Darryl Stingley's son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum's son that will be precisely ironic.

You know what we need? Black Jell-O.

I get very unhappy with people in supermarkets who stop their carts in the middle of the aisle and just stand there looking at the soup. They don't know what they want, so they're looking. Parked. middle of the aisle. They're trying to decide. Why would you go tot he supermarket if you didn't know what you wanted? You know how to shop? I enter the store with a list in my hand, and I move quickly through the aisles from item to item, and I'm in the parking lot before Hamlet has figured out if cream of mushroom is a better bargain then the chicken with stars. I say, know what you want, get what you need, and get the fuck out of there. That's how ya shop!

(personally I totally agree with the above...nothing worse then the browsers in the aisles when you're trying to shop!)

Food Lingo: Style

Style is another bullshit word you have to keep an eye on. Any time you see the word style added to another word, someone is pulling your prick. New York-style deli. You know why they call it that? Because it's not in New York. That's the only reason. It's probably in Bumfuck, Egypt, thw owner is from Rwanda and the food tastes like something the Hutus would feed the Tutsis.

Dear Political Activists,

All your chanting, marching, voting, picketing, boycotting, and letterwriting will not change a thing; you will never right the wrongs of this world. The only thing your activity will accomplish is to make some of you feel better. Such activity makes powerless people feel useful, and provides them the illusion that they're making a difference. But it doesn't work. Nothing changes. The powerful keep the power. That's why they're called the powerful.

Love, George

I don't understand this notion of ethnic pride. "Proud to be Irish," "Puerto Rican pride," "Black pride." It seems to me that pride should be reserved for accomplishments; things you attain or achive, not things that happen to you by chance. Being Irish isn't a skill; it's genetic. You wouldn't say, "I'm proud to have brown hair," or "I'm proud to be short and stocky." So why the fuck should you say you're proud to be Irish? I'm Iris, but I'm not particularly proud of it. Just glad! Goddamn glad to be Irish!